Inside the 2027 Slumlord Convention

Slumlords from across the continent relished the chance to swap strategies, compare horror stories, and reassure each other that empathy is, in fact, optional.

Las Vegas, Nevada - Against the flickering backdrop of a Desert Mirage Conference Centre projector and the soft hum of duct tape-strained HVAC, over 900 property owners, investors, and professional evictors gathered for what has become the most uncomfortably honest real estate event in North America: SlumCon 2027.

Excitement is building for the 2027 Slumlord Convention, where the nation's most unapologetic landlords gather to celebrate low overhead, high turnover, and zero personal responsibility.

"They call it rent control. We call it a reason to do nothing!" shouted keynote speaker Clive "The King of Cash Flow" Mendez, kicking off the opening panel, "Profits in Place: Monetizing Stagnation." The crowd roared, banging branded coffee tumblers and tossing mini eviction notices in the air like confetti.

Clive continued, pacing the stage in a blazer and hoodie that read "Leverage or Leave":

"My buildings haven’t seen a work order since ’08, and you know what else hasn’t changed? My mortgage payment. That’s what I call legacy income."

Expo Floor: Where Ethics Go to Die

The vendor hall was bursting with energy, the scent of reheated pizza, and passive-aggressive capitalism. Highlights included:

Fix-It Later Maintenance Solutions — Providing fake invoice templates, low-bid contractor referrals, and seminars titled "How to Say 'We're Working On It' With Conviction."
Evictrix Legal Forms — Bulk lease loopholes and laminated Notices to Vacate with options like "We regret to inform you that you've been regretted."
Lock & Roll — Selling mid-lease lock-change kits and branded screwdrivers with the slogan, "If they can’t get in, they can’t complain."
Call Avoider Pro — An app featuring looped apologies and voicemail messages like "Due to overwhelming neglect, your request cannot be processed."
Decrepify™ — Pre-aged fixtures and cosmetic decay packages with themes like "Recent Fire (No Casualties)" and "Inherited Nightmare."
Landlord Defense Co. — Hot new item: "BEWARE OF TENANT" signs, designed to create "an atmosphere of legal ambiguity and mild paranoia."

"The goal is to keep everyone confused," said booth owner Rick Morningside. "If they're unsure what's happening, they won't ask questions."

Diversity in Neglect: A Global Celebration

This year marked the most "inclusive" SlumCon to date, with what organizers called "an explosion of global ingenuity in the field of benign neglect."

"Slumlords from all over the world are bringing us techniques we never could have dreamed of!" said panel host Vera Denton, whose breakout session, "The Ethics of Not Caring (and How to Sound Like You Do),"drew record attendance.

From untraceable subletting apps out of Eastern Europe to innovative legal evasion methods from the Mediterranean coast, the international energy was palpable.

SlumCon also offers a rare opportunity for slumlords to interact directly with protesters—typically by walking briskly past them while adjusting their name badges and pretending to take a phone call.

Panel Gold: The Quote Wall

It wasn't just what was said—it was how proudly it was said. Top quotes from SlumCon 2027 included:

“If they can afford a dog, they can afford late fees.” — Barry “The Margin Man” Trent
“I don’t evict people—I encourage transitions.” — Linda D., Lifetime Achievement winner
“This isn’t a community. It’s a portfolio.” — Panel Moderator, *"How to Monetize Dysfunction"
“A tenant once told me they had nowhere to go. I said, 'You already are nowhere.'” — Chet Granger, podcast host of *"Cashflow & Caulk"
“Empathy is expensive. Indifference is scalable.” — Chet, again, to a standing ovation

Protesters Infiltrate... and Pivot

On day two, a group of housing activists gained access in disguise. Originally intending to disrupt, several were later spotted attending the workshop "How to Buy a Duplex Using Just Rage and a Cosigner."

By day three, one was overheard asking, "Honestly, how bad is wholesaling, really?"

“It’s kind of empowering to be the villain for once,” said one former protester as he accepted a raffle prize: a free "Toilet Delay Excuse Generator."

Awards Gala: The Best of the Worst

Best Strategic Neglect: Jim W., whose building was recently featured in a YouTube urban exploration video titled "I Can’t Believe Someone Lives Here."
Lifetime Achievement in Rent Maximization: Linda D., who raised rents mid-pandemic with a note that began, *"Due to global uncertainty..."
Most Creative Reclassification: Lorna F., who successfully registered her triplex as an "agri-tourism hostel" for five years.
Best Excuse Used in Court: Brad K., who told a housing board: "Your Honour, the raccoons were there first. Technically, my tenants were subletting from them."

Closing Thoughts: The System Works (For Them)

“We’re not the villains,” said 79-year-old Morty W., polishing his “Do Not Disturb” landlord badge. “We’re just playing the game. And the rules? Oh, honey—we wrote those decades ago.”

As attendees rolled their wheeled briefcases out into the flickering lights of the parking garage, some paused to snap selfies with the official convention banner:

"SLUMCON 2027: MINIMAL EFFORT, MAXIMUM RETURN."

Rumors are already swirling about next year’s theme: "Eviction Elegance: Kicking Out With Class."

Editor's Note: This article is a satirical feature written for April Fools' Day. Any resemblance to actual slumlords, property expos, or dubious vendors is purely coincidental... probably.